We all want to
help our child be as successful as
possible and will help nudge them along as they grow up. What do you do
when your child grows up physically, but their illness has caused them to not
grow up emotionally? You
want to help them without being a crutch. It's a constant balancing act where at any moment you could tip the scale
in the wrong direction.
Between his
diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, and
Addictions there were numerous times that I thought our son had fallen for the
last time and was ready to get up out of the pit.
As a mom,
I was torn between giving David what he needed for today and hoping that
he would get to a point where he could consistently provide for himself. I
wondered if his illness had taken over too much because there were many days
when all I could see was the illness in the forefront and my son trying to
break through that illness. I wanted to help, but sometimes I was only making it
worse?
I knew several
people who had a mental health diagnosis that were living life in all its
wonder and thriving in spite of their disorder. I admired them and looked to
them for insight. However, just like cancer, there are stages and forms that are more or less severe. For
various reasons David's diagnosis and stage of illness was one of those that
the odds were stacked against him.
Friends would
tell me to help him in ways that only added guilt to my already fragile
emotional state. Often these ways would only enable him to go down the destructive
path of his illness and take us along for the ride. They would say that Jesus
would have helped, so I should too. After all who in their right mind has their
son arrested, gets them committed to a mental health facility, and turns their
child away when they see a real need. Well, I think many people would be
surprised by the answer.
I'd like to share a story of one of the last times I had to say no to David. He was 28 and I was taking
him to our weekly lunch date when he said to me, “Mom, It’s getting cold out and
I can’t stay at my friends anymore. Do you want me to be homeless?” (translation: Can
I come back home?) How is a mom supposed to answer that one? He had put me on the spot and tugged at my
heart all at the same time.
What was I
supposed to do? I couldn't trust him to be in our home. I needed to set
boundaries without making it sound like I was rejecting him. We had
been down this revolving door road several times before and it wasn't good for
him or the family. There’s no easy way to say to your child those
types of things without them feeling hurt. I loved him so
much and just wanted to save him from this illness that had taken most of him
away from all those that loved and knew him. If only there was an easy
answer. I paused, prayed silently to myself, and then responded with an
“Of course not, but this is your choice.” As the words came out of my
mouth I thought, “Where did that come from?” followed by “Thank You
Lord.” This followed with a discussion of his viable options that I already
knew he wasn't going to do. My heart sank and I clung to God for peace
about this decision even when everything in me was screaming to let him come home knowing
that would have been a disaster on so many levels.
He did indeed
become homeless wandering
the parks of a mid-sized city. He eventually hit a new bottom. Then
he was committed to a mental health facility, followed by a half-way house.
There’s always
a fine line between accommodating a real need and perpetuating the illness by
enabling and being codependent. It’s a dance I don’t like and sometimes get
wrong. That being said, I want to encourage you if you are doing that dance
too, that you are not alone. There are many of us having to be seen as the bad
guy or gal not only by our loved one, but most other people too.
That is when
our faith can really be tested and fervent prayer for discernment is really
needed. You will make the wrong choice occasionally. But mostly, you’ll make
the right choice even with all of those around you telling you that it’s wrong.
Keep doing what you know is right, but also never give up on them.
If you are not
in this dance, please don’t give us ill-informed advice and be thankful you can
sit this one out.
Accommodating
is great. Enabling is terrible.
