Listening—unnatural, but necessary

Piloting the “USS Marriage”toward a common point requires something very unnatural: listening!

The darkest times in our marriage were when my ears were farthest from my heart.  Though Ann and I slept only a foot from each other and ate together at a table just five feet long, it seemed like the worlds we were perceiving, living in, and trying to manage were on opposite ends of the galaxy.

The reason?  I (and, to a lesser degree, Ann) didn’t apply this truth: You hear with your ears, but you listen with your heart.

Now, ‘hearing’ is a natural action requiring no effort.  It just happens.  Sound waves hit your ear drum, impulses travel to your brain, and, voila, you hear!  We learned that in middle school.

‘Listening’ on the other hand…..  Big difference!  Listening is a conscious choice, demands your attention and concentration, with the goal of understanding.  All that doesn’t just happen; it’s not natural.  And, boy, it takes a lot of work!  We learned that in middle school, too.

Listening in a marriage, especially one that involves additional challenges like navigating the ‘special needs’ world, demands all that and more!  And you don’t learn that in middle school!

You learn it through trials and arguments and anger and frustration.  You learn it despite differences and missteps, loud voices and cold shoulders.  You learn it over time and through the fire, nose to nose and will to will.  And if you’re lucky, you learn at least some of it through the stories and the tears and the encouragement of others.

Any which way, when you learn it, you learn it for life.  And you apply it not just in your marriage, but with every person you ever meet, forever.  Why?  Because you never want to go through that learning process again, with anyone, anywhere, anytime.

Now, I won’t detail here the pain we experienced to close our ‘listening’ gap, because the pain’s not the point.  It’s like the pain of preparing for a marathon—it’s not pretty, you don’t want to talk about it, you just do it.  Instead, you talk about your finish time, the satisfaction you felt, the lessons you learned on the months-long journey.

So, what did we learn?  A few things…

·        You build trust when you’re faithful.

·        You become a friend when you’re present.

·        You earn forgiveness when you show grace.

·        Comparison says, “I’m hurting more.”  Judgment shouts, “I’m hurting you!”  Avoid both.

·        Listening’s a 24/7 activity.  If you take a break, they will, too.  And it just spirals from there.

·        The loudest message is often the unspoken, unwritten one.  Dig deep between the lines for the treasure.

·        Sometimes you just need to listen.  That’s all.  Just listen.  Don’t fix, don’t suggest, don’t comment.  Just listen.

·        James said: “Faith without deeds is dead.”  We say, “Listening without empathy is dead.”

Listening enables empathy.

Empathy enables caring.

Caring sustains love.

Love is the goal.