Nobody likes it, but many of us do it. Since mental illness hit
our family I have done it less and less. What is it? It is unwanted advice. I
came to realize that most of the time I’m speaking out of ignorance and giving
advice that is not wanted, needed, asked for, and is actually hurtful and
harmful.
The damage of all of this unwanted advice is isolation, shaming,
and marginalization of the person getting this so called good advice. For those
hearing this advice the struggle to continue sharing your story vs. isolating yourself
is real. When this judgmental advice is the norm, it makes it so hard to open
up and risk hurtful words coming your way again and again.
Common phrases like:
“Just snap out of it” ~ as if that’s something you can easily do
“It’s all in your head” ~ That’s true, but not really what they
mean.
“Have you tried…..” ~ Yes, it probably would help and you may
have tried it or are currently doing it. That aside, it minimizes you and your
diagnosis. Plus, you’ve heard this advice about a gazillion times already.
“If you just did this, you’d be fine.” ~ This one doesn’t even
recognize that you have a mental illness.
“Do you have some unrepentant sin?” ~ Once again, not mentally
ill. It’s all about your personal sin.
The same holds true if your loved one has a mental illness. The
words are a little different but the affect is the same. Words like “Just make
them”, It’s all in their head.”, “Have they tried…”, “Have you tried….” are
just as common. There’s only so many times one can get beat up with these
words.
Ignorance is often the catalyst of this unwanted advice. We all
hear ignorance is bliss, but for those of us on the receiving end of these
hurtful words of advice, ignorance is hell, isolation, and painful. Plus this
ignorance promotes stigma.
So what are we to do? If you’re the person making these sorts of
statements and giving this kind of advice, please STOP. Know that you are only
making matters worse. Better yet, ask how you can support this person
emotionally or in practically ways instead of telling them what to do or not do.
If you are the person receiving this advice, please don’t close
yourself off because of these hurtful words. And even more important don’t let
someone else’s ignorance be your reason to isolate. It’s challenging to share your story while
risking ridicule and judgment. Remember that sharing your story is one of the
best ways to educate others about mental illness.
