Christmastime

Christmastime:  Jingle Bells, Caroling, Mistletoe, and Ho Ho Ho’s. Shopping for that perfect gift, baking cookies, elves, and decorations everywhere.

Christmastime:  Family gatherings, Christmas trees, garland, and St Nick. Lights, glitter, tinsel, and wreaths.

Christmastime:  Candy Canes, Reindeer, Secret Santa, and Ornaments.  Joy to the World.  Hark the Herald Angels Sing.  O Little Town of Bethlehem.  Unto Us a Child is Born. 

Christmastime:  We all have visions of what Christmas is supposed to be.  We have traditions, memories, plans, and generally much merriment and celebration is to be had by all. 

Christmastime:  The promise of a Savior foretold long ago.  The long-anticipated birth of our king, Lord, and Savior has finally arrived.  He wasn’t just any baby.  The Creator creates Himself in a new form. He comes as that which He created.  Not coming like a human, but as a human. Jesus…the God/man.  Growing in the womb and experiencing all those human things common to man except sin.  He leaves heaven just for us. 

He didn’t have to come.  He could have chosen an easier way.  But, He didn’t.  He chose to come out of his deep and great love for each one of us.  He didn’t come as a grown-up or even a child, but as a helpless baby.  The creator becomes the created, which in itself is unbelievable, but He did it anyway.  He came just as Scripture foretold.

Christmastime:  Our King of Kings and Lord of Lords comes in a way we least expect.  He is born in a stable at the backside of an inn.  His bed is a trough.  He’s amongst the animals.  There’s no room for him anywhere else.  Insignificance seems to mark his birth.  What royal lineage would enter the world this way?  There is no royal fanfare announcing His birth.  No trumpets sounding from the palace or messengers sending word throughout the land that the royal son has arrived.  But wait, what man doesn’t announce, God does.  With a star and a multitude of angels, He is announced to the shepherds and wise men of old.   The Savior from everlasting past comes to fulfill a promise.  He has arrived just as He said He would, born in the city foretold, born to a virgin.  Our Emmanuel, God with us, has arrived.  The hope that we all long for is born some 2000 years ago. 

He grows up in our world and comes to fulfill more of His promises.  He experiences life as a human being and so understands our struggles.  The creator comes to serve us.  The creator comes to give us a hope and a future, and even comes to die for each of us …in our place… taking on all our sin so that we can be in fellowship with Him forever.  And so, God shows us His great love for us, first as a baby, then on the cross, and forever with us.   

The least wonderful time of the year

The holidays painfully remind the mentally ill and their loved ones just how different they are, how big their challenges are, and how far from “the most wonderful time” they actually are.

This is their song…

It’s the least wonderful time of the year

With my kids sad or yelling

And everyone wishing we’d just once stay clear

It’s the least wonderful time of the year

It’s the en-enviest season of all

With those holiday meetings we’re so early leaving

And friends still don’t call

It’s the en-enviest season of all

We’ll miss parties they’re hosting

Marshmallows they’re toasting

And caroling out in the snow

‘Least we won’t be the stories

And reasons the glories of

Christmases were a “no show”

It’s the least wonderful time of the year

Our feelings we’re stowing

Our hearts will be groaning

‘Cuz loved ones aren’t near

It’s the least wonderful time of the year

Feel for them.  Reach out to them.

Help change “least” to “most” this year.

The Lies We Believe

  

{This is a guest blog by a very dear friend who has bipolar disorder.  AG}

I eventually stopped believing the lies others told me and the ones I told myself, but it wasn’t easy.

These lies ruled my life for years, damaging my health, my spirit, and my self-worth.  At first they went down easy, like a hot cup of tea and honey.  Their sweet promise of a better life, along with the short-term gains I saw, convinced me this was all good!  But like most things we consume that seem helpful but aren’t, they grew into a bitterness I simply had to purge.

My journey from this diet of deception wasn’t easy.  It took many years of staring into the mirror, contemplating truth shared in love, and practicing personal disciplines.  All this continues today.

Lie #1… “You need to get off your meds and change your diet (or your exercise or your sleep).”

Vitamins and herbs!  Exercise and more sleep!  The latest diet—and lots of water!!  I heard this lie from people who clearly benefited from these things.  Problem was, my struggle wasn’t just physical.  Now, I’m not saying improving your physical health won’t improve your mental health, but this lie got me believing my medication was only covering up lifestyle behaviors I stubbornly refused to change.

The truth is, while the mind and body and spirt are independent yet interrelated, they’re also subject to illness and in need of appropriate care.  Use of medication is sometimes necessary for the mentally ill.  I know this firsthand: I went off my meds, relapsed horribly, and wound up in a psych ward.  Had I not believed this lie, I wouldn’t still be haunted by the memory of that experience.

Listen to professionals.  See a therapist periodically, even if it’s only to “check in”.  Work to improve all aspects of your health—mind, body, and spirit.

Lie #2… “If you only have more faith, you’ll be cured.”

The arguments used to support this lie were very convincing, mostly because I desperately wanted to be cured.

“The Bible tells about Jesus freeing people who were disturbed because of demons.  If mental illness was real, the Bible would’ve recorded Jesus healing someone with mental problems, and it doesn’t.”

“James said the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well.  If you’ve prayed and not been cured, your faith is obviously weak.”

“When the disciples asked Jesus why they couldn’t heal someone’s son, he told them it was because their faith was weak.  If you only had strong faith, you’d be healed!”

While we all know that reading Scripture and praying to God are essential for living the life Jesus promised, his promises don’t guarantee we won’t have problems.  In fact, it’s the opposite!  Jesus himself said: “In this world, you will have trouble.”

Pray, of course.  Read and study, too.  Learn God’s tools for godly living: right thinking, thanksgiving, holiness, perseverance, self-control, and, yes, faith.

Lie #3… “You’re broken and weak.”

Unlike other lies, this one first went down like a big, chalky pill.  After awhile, though, I didn’t mind, because it explained why I was sick and it justified why I should stop trying.

But most people weren’t so direct.  They usually coated this lie in a sugary paste and wrapped it in a question.

“Why do you sleep so much?”  Implication: You’re lazy.

“Why don’t you do that yourself?”  Implication: You’re irresponsible.

“Here’s a book on positive thinking.”  Implication: You’re a pessimist.

“You should work full-time like your friends.”  Implication: You’re a freeloader.

Unlike other lies, this one sprang from judgment of who I was as a person, so it hurt even more.  Responding from the heart was key here.

Know your true self.  Rest on God’s opinion of you.  Spend time with encouraging people.  Seek God’s approval.

Many other lies came from deep within me, especially when I focused on my circumstances rather than my blessings.

“God’s punishing me!”

“God abandoned me!”

“God doesn’t answer prayers.”

“I have to figure this out for myself.”

“I have no hope of living a better life!”

Believe God’s words in John 9:3, Matthew 28:20, 1 Peter 3:12, James 1:5, and Jeremiah 29:11.

The lies continue to come, and it takes effort to not believe them.  But I’m proof that tending to your health, trusting in God, and advocating for yourself can create a very good life.

Today, I’m healthy though not cured, faith-filled though still growing, content though not always happy.

And I’m okay with that.  You can be, too.

Don’t Walk That Impossible Road Alone

While listening, empathy, and caring make things better, they don’t guarantee a comfortable journey.

They say it’s darkest before the dawn.  In our marriage, that was true.  Ann and I made it through our dark night, but the dawn that followed lit up a winding, rocky road much different than what we’d hoped for…

Mental illness would forever plague our family.

Chaos in our home would kill most of our ‘couples’ relationships.

Fatigue from explaining and fear of judgment would stifle most other relationships.

The all-encompassing world of raising special needs children would crowd out even simple pleasures.

We cried from deep inside: “How will we be able to walk this road?”

Realistically, there’s only one way.  Now, some might tell you that you can do it on your own, while others predict you’ll never make it.  Even more will say that Ann and I are weak, that we’ve given up, and that we use religion as a crutch.  But after decades of walking this path, still enjoying a satisfying marriage, and somehow helping others from the pain of our past, we can testify from the trenches: “We know!”

That way?  Faith.  Faith in, and faith that.

Faith.  “Faith is being sure of what’s hoped for and certain of what’s not seen.”  Would you bet everything that the sun will rise in the east tomorrow?  Faith is that level of confidence, but about things like healing and restoration that are far beyond the horizon you can barely see today.

Faith in.  “Let’s fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.”  Few can argue anymore that Jesus didn’t exist; there’s too much historical evidence proving he did.  The question now is whether there’s enough reason to trust him for everything, including our current situations.  But consider this…

Faith that.  “He’s risen!”  “I’m with you always!”  “I’m coming soon!”  “In this world, you’ll have trouble.  But take heart!  I’ve overcome the world!”  Jesus—the one who rose from the dead, stays with us, will come back, and already won—walks this path with us!

And because of our common faith, Ann and I can walk our seemingly impossible, trouble-filled road and…

See all our children as blessings, despite attacks and deception and scars and loss.

Understand and not judge, empathize and not pity.

Accept our lot, even when it’s not pleasant.

Help others through our love and service.

Praise God for it all and through it all.

Now, your path is different and likely more difficult than ours, and I honestly feel for you.  But I know from first-hand experience that faith in Jesus makes all the difference.  He never disappoints.

I also know that faith isn’t a couple’s walk.  While a common faith will bring you closer to each other, you must still walk your own ‘faith’ path while walking your ‘marriage’ path together.  Grace and patience will need to flourish in that situation, but your faithful walk may be the thing that prompts your spouse to put their faith in Jesus, too.  At that point, your marriage, your family, and the world will be blessed in so many more ways!

Trust in him who’s overcome.  Trust that he can and will do all he’s promised.  While your situation might not change this side of eternity, keep trekking with him.  Remember, change isn’t the goal.  Making the most of your journey is the goal.

Will you listen to just one more voice?

Can I add anything to all the voices speaking out this week, to the hundreds of articles written during this year’s “Mental Illness Awareness Week”?  I’m no PhD.  I’m no author of mental health books.  I’m no keynote speaker charging thousands per engagement.

Who am I that you should listen to me?  This is who I am…

I’m a father of six, most of whom have some kind of brain disorder.

I’m one who mourns the death of a child who lost his fight with mental illness.

I’m the husband of one who’s persevered with me even when the night grew so dark we could feel it.

And I’m a Jesus follower, convinced that the Bible is true, the Resurrection happened, and Jesus will return.

The first three facts above give me at least some credibility.  The last one gives me reason to think that I can add some valuable insights.  And here they are:

Mental illness is one of many consequences of the Fall.  Mankind was cursed when we chose our way over our Creator’s, and so we deal with autism and angina, bipolar and bronchitis, depression and diabetes and death.  Mental illness is now part of the human condition that we, in part, caused.  That doesn’t make it our fault, though, it just is.

And it’s important that we understand and accept this, because it helps us answer these and many other questions…

Did my diet cause my daughter’s depression?

Will pills cure my son of his schizophrenia?

Can I “pray away” my wife’s anxiety?

Did my parenting cause my child’s OCD?

Can I move someplace where I know that my future children won’t have autism?

Will my addictive tendencies ever really go away?

Because we’re cursed, the answer to all these questions is, unfortunately, “No.”  But there’s hope!  It’s called…

The Resurrection.  In a nutshell, Jesus’ resurrection from the dead proved that he was who he said he was, and that he has power over all things, including death.  And, yes, mental illness, too.  But while he has power over mental illness, he unfortunately hasn’t yet vanquished it, nor physical illness, nor death.  But there’s hope!  It’s called…

The Second Coming.  Since Jesus is who he said he was, he’s powerful enough to do what he said he’ll do, which includes wiping away every tear, eliminating death and mourning and crying and pain, and (my assertion) curing mental illness.  Unfortunately, we probably have many, many years of dealing with mental illness before he comes again.

So, what do we do ‘til then?

Live.  Love.  Forgive.  Repeat.

Mental illness can’t win. It just CAN’T!

Mental illness can really do a number on a person when it’s left alone.  No medication, wrong medication, self-medication, plus years without therapy all played a role in my son’s demise.

Before he was afflicted, people would describe David as resourceful, charming, adventurous, caring, conscientious, and loving.  Everyone loved to be around him!  He also loved the outdoors, was active at school and church, and dreamt really big dreams.

But his best qualities became his worst attributes once mental illness hit…

His resourcefulness helped him sometimes, but it mostly got him into trouble.

His charm turned into manipulation, even with people he just met in jail.

His adventurous spirit became recklessness, often at the expense of others.

And he eventually began to care about the wrong things, because he believed the lies his mind was telling him.  Since he did have a conscience, the war in and for his mind grew more vigorous, with severe anxiety tipping the scales.  He won some of those battles, but he lost the war alone on a cold January night.

Though mental illness stole his life, it won’t get the last word.  I won’t let it!

I’ll fight it and expose it wherever and whenever I can.  For David’s sake.  For the sake of everyone at war with it.  For everyone who’ll bury their child if I don’t speak up.

Unfortunately, my story is all too common.  Millions of others have the same challenge.  The question is, How many voices, how many hearts will join me?

Will you advocate for the mentally ill even when others don’t?

Will you help others learn lessons from your pain, so they don’t have to feel it themselves?

Will you carry mercy, grace, and empathy to the unlikeable, to the angry, to the hopeless?

I know you can!  And if you do, mental illness doesn’t stand a chance.

Listening—unnatural, but necessary

Piloting the “USS Marriage”toward a common point requires something very unnatural: listening!

The darkest times in our marriage were when my ears were farthest from my heart.  Though Ann and I slept only a foot from each other and ate together at a table just five feet long, it seemed like the worlds we were perceiving, living in, and trying to manage were on opposite ends of the galaxy.

The reason?  I (and, to a lesser degree, Ann) didn’t apply this truth: You hear with your ears, but you listen with your heart.

Now, ‘hearing’ is a natural action requiring no effort.  It just happens.  Sound waves hit your ear drum, impulses travel to your brain, and, voila, you hear!  We learned that in middle school.

‘Listening’ on the other hand…..  Big difference!  Listening is a conscious choice, demands your attention and concentration, with the goal of understanding.  All that doesn’t just happen; it’s not natural.  And, boy, it takes a lot of work!  We learned that in middle school, too.

Listening in a marriage, especially one that involves additional challenges like navigating the ‘special needs’ world, demands all that and more!  And you don’t learn that in middle school!

You learn it through trials and arguments and anger and frustration.  You learn it despite differences and missteps, loud voices and cold shoulders.  You learn it over time and through the fire, nose to nose and will to will.  And if you’re lucky, you learn at least some of it through the stories and the tears and the encouragement of others.

Any which way, when you learn it, you learn it for life.  And you apply it not just in your marriage, but with every person you ever meet, forever.  Why?  Because you never want to go through that learning process again, with anyone, anywhere, anytime.

Now, I won’t detail here the pain we experienced to close our ‘listening’ gap, because the pain’s not the point.  It’s like the pain of preparing for a marathon—it’s not pretty, you don’t want to talk about it, you just do it.  Instead, you talk about your finish time, the satisfaction you felt, the lessons you learned on the months-long journey.

So, what did we learn?  A few things…

·        You build trust when you’re faithful.

·        You become a friend when you’re present.

·        You earn forgiveness when you show grace.

·        Comparison says, “I’m hurting more.”  Judgment shouts, “I’m hurting you!”  Avoid both.

·        Listening’s a 24/7 activity.  If you take a break, they will, too.  And it just spirals from there.

·        The loudest message is often the unspoken, unwritten one.  Dig deep between the lines for the treasure.

·        Sometimes you just need to listen.  That’s all.  Just listen.  Don’t fix, don’t suggest, don’t comment.  Just listen.

·        James said: “Faith without deeds is dead.”  We say, “Listening without empathy is dead.”

Listening enables empathy.

Empathy enables caring.

Caring sustains love.

Love is the goal.