Reaffirming Love

“I am not overstating it when I say that the man who caused all the trouble hurt all of you…..  Now, however, it is time to forgive and comfort him. Otherwise he may be overcome by discouragement. So I urge you now to reaffirm your love for him.”  2Cor. 2:5-8  NLT

I would have never thought that when I first held David in my arms that I’d be part of a family that personally is touched by one of their own being an undesirable in society. He was a “normal” child. At least we thought he was. Looking back, there were signs of things to come. Things started changing in his mid- teens. At first we thought he was just hanging out with the wrong kids and/or making bad choices.  There was some of that, but this went a whole lot deeper. As time progressed, and his untreated Borderline Personality Disorder got worse, there was more and more trouble which caused more and more hurt. Many people ran the other way when his disorder manifested itself at their expense. 

If anyone knows even the smallest bit about someone with this disorder, there’s a lot of insecurity attached with it. How does one decide when to let them fall, when to pick them up, who to tell, how to protect the rest of the family, and so on. It’s a constant pray for discernment.

I remember one such time when David was down and discouraged. He was in his 20’s and living somewhere in Waukesha with a new friend after a short time of homelessness. He had little money and hardly any food. I picked him up, took him to the food pantry, got him some groceries, took him to lunch, and just hung out with him for a little bit. I felt like it was a pretty good day for both of us. He seemed to be making some better choices.

A few days later I saw him again and he was already out of food. He had sold some of the food to buy alcohol. I knew how I reacted to this news was critical. I was disappointed and hurt and realized that even if I didn’t give him money, he’d find a way to get what he wanted. Why this surprised me, I have no idea, since David was resourceful to say the least. Anyway, back to the story.

Instead of reacting negatively, I simply ignored the situation as if it didn’t happen. I could tell David was not in a place to receive anything and he was quite discouraged. Besides that, what would it have accomplished for me to come down on him? He already knew how I felt and was feeling the guilt without me having to say anything. We had some conversation, I did go with him for a few more groceries, and I tried to encourage him. One thing I always told him is that we all mess up, but that doesn’t mean to give up. 

If you notice the verse says “REAFFIRM your love”. That tells me that the person that caused the trouble is someone that you know and love already. When mental illness touched our family it displayed some pretty ugly stuff. How I reacted was very important to helping or hurting David and I had to make hard choices with him often.

I could choose to give up or not.

I had choices of how I was going to react to the situation.

I could choose whether to discourage or encourage him.

Every day was a choice whether to seek God in every moment.

I had a choice whether to forgive him or hold it against him.

Every day is filled with choices. What do I choose? What do you choose?

Perspectives

One of the greatest gifts that David’s diagnosis has given me is perspective. I never would have guessed when David was born that I would learn so much about others, myself, and God from him and his struggles with mental illness. 

Perspective: I gained new insight into the homeless and their families. I could understand not only the pain of not finding your homeless loved one, but also the pain of not allowing them back into your home once you’ve found them.

Perspective: I learned so much about those in jail and prison. I could relate to those that believed that jail was the best place for their loved one and the emotional and financial cost to the families of those that have someone in jail.

Perspective: I understood the word “stigma” especially from many within the Church. The shunning and isolation was often painful and gave me deep sensitivity towards others that may be going through similar struggles. It also made me realize how I perpetuated stigma before I understood what mental illness was.

Perspective: I discovered more how God feels when we mess up and we refuse to listen to his wise counsel. It is so very difficult to watch and know that you’re powerless to help your loved one when they refuse help or don’t want to be helped. It’s gut-wrenching. How much more must it be for the God that created us and only wants good for us.

Many scripture verses that used to puzzle me or were difficult to relate to became some of my favorite verses because of new perspectives on suffering, sorrow, and grieving.

As David was going down this often dangerous path of destruction it was easy for me to see the poor choices he was making because of his illness and the toll it was taking on his very life. As I’d reflect on his choices God would ever so gently remind me of my poor choices and the planks (Matthew 7:3-5) in my eyes.

I gained perspective in so many areas of my life and because of that, David’s journey with mental illness was the biggest catalyst in helping me grow in my love for God and others. It would have been easy for me to let these new perspectives make me bitter, angry, or even reject God in my life and sometimes I didn’t choose very well. But, I always had a choice and you do too. Choose God and let him teach and grow you. You won’t be disappointed!

Does God Really Care About Me?

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!  And when I wake up, you are still with me.  Psalm 139: 17,18 (NLT)

When mental illness hits you or your family you may wonder if God is really there. Does he care? Well, my prayer is that this story will encourage you that he is there and really does care.

Several years back when David was fleeing the country and hoping all of his problems and mental health concerns would be left behind God showed me in a very tangible way that he knew exactly where David was. David had planned on never returning and I only knew generally where he was. He showed me David’s picture online as if to say, “Here he is, I am with him, and I’ve got this covered. Keep praying, but no need to worry, he will come back.”

I knew immediately that only God could orchestrate something like this against all odds. What were the odds out of the entire planet of 7 plus billion people that Google^TM Maps would be shooting street view pictures in the exact city at the exact time when David was arriving at his destination complete with his garbage bags of belongings and all?  You can imagine how special I must have felt. This was a very tangible picture of the verse above not only for me, but a snapshot showing me that God was with him too. 

Why does it surprise me that a God that came and died for me, parted the Red Sea, fed the Israelites Angel’s food, fed thousands, and so much more wouldn’t do this thing for me or my son?  It shouldn’t take something like this for me to know I am loved by my God dearly. It showed me that even when everything surrounding David’s circumstances and choices was as the world saw it, falling apart, God was still there.  I knew right at that moment what that verse and several others really meant. 

Now it is years later and I sometimes find myself going back to that moment to remind me of just how much God cares for me.  Even if you haven’t had one of those once-in-a-lifetime-against-all-odds things happen to show you that God is with you, it doesn’t mean that He isn’t. Sometimes it’s hard to see His plan for our lives amidst so much that seems to be going wrong. Even when we can’t see him, He’s There And He Cares!

Finishing The Journey Takes...

Walking a marriage path together takes two willing hearts, but trekking to the end takes one more companion.

At the five-year mark, our adventures seemed endless, and the sun shined bright on our small family.  At the fifteen-year mark, our calendars were crazy full, and heartache frequently knocked on our large family’s door.  At the twenty-five-year mark, each day brought more questions than answers, and the unthinkable seemed both certain and imminent.

Now past the thirty-five-year mark, we’re still together.  By all accounts, we shouldn’t be, but we are.  And we will be ‘til the end.  A part of our Twenty-fifth Anniversary Renewal Vows tells why…

    “Twenty-five years ago, I committed myself to you in Holy Matrimony before God and his witnesses.  On that day, I promised to love you and to honor you.  I promised to stay with you in good times and in bad.  I promised to be yours until death separated us.

    “Now twenty-five years later, even though I still have no idea what the future will bring, I stand here because God is good, because ‘we’ is more important than ‘me’, and because a promise is a promise.”

“A promise is a promise.”  That sounds cliché, but it’s been the glue that’s held us together despite all the things that burden most couples, plus a few that wear only on couples with special needs kids.

Most people know that the stresses, distractions, and failures facing a ‘special needs’ couple are greater than those facing the average couple—that’s why the divorce rate among them is higher than the national average.  And that’s why it takes a commitment to something greater than our desires, our strength, and even our faith to make it to the end.

For me and Ann, long stretches of detachment plagued us.  Years of grinding through chaos and confusion and conflict created calloused hearts that didn’t beat anymore.  Cold, disconnected tones and words and stares and touches piled high.  We know what the brink of divorce feels like.  But while we never said, “It’s over!”, our hearts and minds have been there as surely as any other couple who’s reached the end of their road.

Thankfully, we haven’t been alone on our journey.  On our path, that promise has been our constant companion.  It’s carried us so many times beyond our selfish selves to a place where we could see each other from God’s vantage point.  It’s even given us glimpses of our family far down the road, showing that while choosing ‘me’ over ‘we’ might eliminate today’s problems, future generations might experience heartache as a side effect.

Just as important, the promise continues to remind us as Christians that our marriage reflects Jesus’ commitment to his bride, the Church—“I will never leave you!”  And since we’re his representatives to a world that often needs to ‘see’ before it ‘believes’, the promise kept speaks volumes far beyond the walls of our home.  It says: “There’s more than just ‘me’ and more than just ‘now’—and there IS a kind of love that transcends both.  Come see!”

The Bible says: “A cord of three strands is not easily broken.”  Whether that third strand is Jesus or just the promise, it’s difficult to make it to the finish line without it, especially when the road is full of disappointments and distractions, temptations and turmoil.

No one ever planned for divorce at the altar—they began their journey with ‘finishing’ in mind.  So, learn what it takes to finish.  Make the promise your companion, and lean on it.

Daily.

Hourly if necessary.

Christmastime

Christmastime:  Jingle Bells, Caroling, Mistletoe, and Ho Ho Ho’s. Shopping for that perfect gift, baking cookies, elves, and decorations everywhere.

Christmastime:  Family gatherings, Christmas trees, garland, and St Nick. Lights, glitter, tinsel, and wreaths.

Christmastime:  Candy Canes, Reindeer, Secret Santa, and Ornaments.  Joy to the World.  Hark the Herald Angels Sing.  O Little Town of Bethlehem.  Unto Us a Child is Born. 

Christmastime:  We all have visions of what Christmas is supposed to be.  We have traditions, memories, plans, and generally much merriment and celebration is to be had by all. 

Christmastime:  The promise of a Savior foretold long ago.  The long-anticipated birth of our king, Lord, and Savior has finally arrived.  He wasn’t just any baby.  The Creator creates Himself in a new form. He comes as that which He created.  Not coming like a human, but as a human. Jesus…the God/man.  Growing in the womb and experiencing all those human things common to man except sin.  He leaves heaven just for us. 

He didn’t have to come.  He could have chosen an easier way.  But, He didn’t.  He chose to come out of his deep and great love for each one of us.  He didn’t come as a grown-up or even a child, but as a helpless baby.  The creator becomes the created, which in itself is unbelievable, but He did it anyway.  He came just as Scripture foretold.

Christmastime:  Our King of Kings and Lord of Lords comes in a way we least expect.  He is born in a stable at the backside of an inn.  His bed is a trough.  He’s amongst the animals.  There’s no room for him anywhere else.  Insignificance seems to mark his birth.  What royal lineage would enter the world this way?  There is no royal fanfare announcing His birth.  No trumpets sounding from the palace or messengers sending word throughout the land that the royal son has arrived.  But wait, what man doesn’t announce, God does.  With a star and a multitude of angels, He is announced to the shepherds and wise men of old.   The Savior from everlasting past comes to fulfill a promise.  He has arrived just as He said He would, born in the city foretold, born to a virgin.  Our Emmanuel, God with us, has arrived.  The hope that we all long for is born some 2000 years ago. 

He grows up in our world and comes to fulfill more of His promises.  He experiences life as a human being and so understands our struggles.  The creator comes to serve us.  The creator comes to give us a hope and a future, and even comes to die for each of us …in our place… taking on all our sin so that we can be in fellowship with Him forever.  And so, God shows us His great love for us, first as a baby, then on the cross, and forever with us.   

The least wonderful time of the year

The holidays painfully remind the mentally ill and their loved ones just how different they are, how big their challenges are, and how far from “the most wonderful time” they actually are.

This is their song…

It’s the least wonderful time of the year

With my kids sad or yelling

And everyone wishing we’d just once stay clear

It’s the least wonderful time of the year

It’s the en-enviest season of all

With those holiday meetings we’re so early leaving

And friends still don’t call

It’s the en-enviest season of all

We’ll miss parties they’re hosting

Marshmallows they’re toasting

And caroling out in the snow

‘Least we won’t be the stories

And reasons the glories of

Christmases were a “no show”

It’s the least wonderful time of the year

Our feelings we’re stowing

Our hearts will be groaning

‘Cuz loved ones aren’t near

It’s the least wonderful time of the year

Feel for them.  Reach out to them.

Help change “least” to “most” this year.

The Lies We Believe

  

{This is a guest blog by a very dear friend who has bipolar disorder.  AG}

I eventually stopped believing the lies others told me and the ones I told myself, but it wasn’t easy.

These lies ruled my life for years, damaging my health, my spirit, and my self-worth.  At first they went down easy, like a hot cup of tea and honey.  Their sweet promise of a better life, along with the short-term gains I saw, convinced me this was all good!  But like most things we consume that seem helpful but aren’t, they grew into a bitterness I simply had to purge.

My journey from this diet of deception wasn’t easy.  It took many years of staring into the mirror, contemplating truth shared in love, and practicing personal disciplines.  All this continues today.

Lie #1… “You need to get off your meds and change your diet (or your exercise or your sleep).”

Vitamins and herbs!  Exercise and more sleep!  The latest diet—and lots of water!!  I heard this lie from people who clearly benefited from these things.  Problem was, my struggle wasn’t just physical.  Now, I’m not saying improving your physical health won’t improve your mental health, but this lie got me believing my medication was only covering up lifestyle behaviors I stubbornly refused to change.

The truth is, while the mind and body and spirt are independent yet interrelated, they’re also subject to illness and in need of appropriate care.  Use of medication is sometimes necessary for the mentally ill.  I know this firsthand: I went off my meds, relapsed horribly, and wound up in a psych ward.  Had I not believed this lie, I wouldn’t still be haunted by the memory of that experience.

Listen to professionals.  See a therapist periodically, even if it’s only to “check in”.  Work to improve all aspects of your health—mind, body, and spirit.

Lie #2… “If you only have more faith, you’ll be cured.”

The arguments used to support this lie were very convincing, mostly because I desperately wanted to be cured.

“The Bible tells about Jesus freeing people who were disturbed because of demons.  If mental illness was real, the Bible would’ve recorded Jesus healing someone with mental problems, and it doesn’t.”

“James said the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well.  If you’ve prayed and not been cured, your faith is obviously weak.”

“When the disciples asked Jesus why they couldn’t heal someone’s son, he told them it was because their faith was weak.  If you only had strong faith, you’d be healed!”

While we all know that reading Scripture and praying to God are essential for living the life Jesus promised, his promises don’t guarantee we won’t have problems.  In fact, it’s the opposite!  Jesus himself said: “In this world, you will have trouble.”

Pray, of course.  Read and study, too.  Learn God’s tools for godly living: right thinking, thanksgiving, holiness, perseverance, self-control, and, yes, faith.

Lie #3… “You’re broken and weak.”

Unlike other lies, this one first went down like a big, chalky pill.  After awhile, though, I didn’t mind, because it explained why I was sick and it justified why I should stop trying.

But most people weren’t so direct.  They usually coated this lie in a sugary paste and wrapped it in a question.

“Why do you sleep so much?”  Implication: You’re lazy.

“Why don’t you do that yourself?”  Implication: You’re irresponsible.

“Here’s a book on positive thinking.”  Implication: You’re a pessimist.

“You should work full-time like your friends.”  Implication: You’re a freeloader.

Unlike other lies, this one sprang from judgment of who I was as a person, so it hurt even more.  Responding from the heart was key here.

Know your true self.  Rest on God’s opinion of you.  Spend time with encouraging people.  Seek God’s approval.

Many other lies came from deep within me, especially when I focused on my circumstances rather than my blessings.

“God’s punishing me!”

“God abandoned me!”

“God doesn’t answer prayers.”

“I have to figure this out for myself.”

“I have no hope of living a better life!”

Believe God’s words in John 9:3, Matthew 28:20, 1 Peter 3:12, James 1:5, and Jeremiah 29:11.

The lies continue to come, and it takes effort to not believe them.  But I’m proof that tending to your health, trusting in God, and advocating for yourself can create a very good life.

Today, I’m healthy though not cured, faith-filled though still growing, content though not always happy.

And I’m okay with that.  You can be, too.