We’re all mentally ill

That’s my theory, anyway.  Before you say I’m crazy, read this whole post, then tell me what you think.  Am I right, am I wrong, or might I be on to something regardless?

So, what makes me think that we’re all mentally ill?  The combination of a few things.

First, facts about people:

We’re comprised of at least two components: physical and mental.

As we age, these components change—our bodies and minds morph.

Everyone’s flawed.  We each have stains, blemishes, quirks, and anomalies.  (Since we’re each ‘physically’ flawed, why would we ever think we’re not also ‘mentally’ flawed?)

Some imperfections vary over time.  Some eventually get worse, much worse.

Next, facts about diseases:

Some diseases lie dormant for years before their symptoms appear.  (We may have the illness, but not exhibit any symptoms.)

Some diseases can’t be diagnosed until after their symptoms flare up.  (Being symptom-free doesn’t mean we don’t have the illness.)

Each disease affects each person differently—some to a small degree, others more significantly.

The affects or symptoms of a disease don’t jump from “none” to “maximum” in a fraction of a second.  They progress from one degree to another over time—maybe weeks, maybe months, even years, but almost never instantaneously.

Finally, facts about me and some of my kids:

I haven’t been diagnosed with a mental illness nor been told by anyone that they think I have one.

Professionals have diagnosed many of my kids with at least one mental illness.

I demonstrate many of the same behaviors some of my diagnosed kids do, but often to a much lesser degree.

When I look in the mirror, when I consider the above, I draw the conclusion that I have at least one mental illness, and probably three.  As of today, though, my symptoms haven’t risen to the level of needing professional help.  (Again, ‘as of today’.)

All this leads me to believe that I, a human—and, by extension, you, also a human—have a mental illness.  We might not yet see it, others might not discern it, and it might not ever rise to a professionally-diagnosable level.  Nonetheless, I’m willing to accept that I’m mentally ill.

And I’m okay with that.

Why?

Because I admire my kids and others who not only wrestle everyday with symptoms far beyond mine and far beyond what I can imagine, but also deal with society’s stares and statements, hand-delivered on ice-cold platters.

Because I know that if I differ only by degree and not by type from everyone who’s been diagnosed, I’m less likely to judge them, to avoid them, or demean them.

Because if “I’m not okay, you mustn’t be okay”, meaning it’s just possible that we could live in a much different world.

In the end, I might be wrong.  But, then again, what if I’m right?  Either way, imagine the kind of world this would be if we at least considered the prospect that we’re all mentally ill: A world without stigma around mental illness, without judgment or guilt or shame.

As someone who’s lived alongside mental illness for decades, I’d enjoy a world like that.

A note from the author…

I know some of you reading this are thinking “You don’t understand.  You don’t know what the mentally ill deal with!  You demean everyone who has a mental illness when you refer to yourself as if you were one of them.”

I’m sorry you feel that way, that’s not what I’m saying, but that’s exactly my point.  As long as we focus on our differences, as long as we view ‘them’ as a diseased version of ‘us’, this all continues: judgment and guilt and pity and shame and ignorance and disbelief and stigma.

But if we saw and heard and treated people who display symptoms of mental illness as no different than us in nature and in worth—and if we viewed ourselves as people fortunate to not be as affected as they are—we could maybe, just maybe begin to empathize, to inquire, to discover, to learn, to soften, to love, and to advocate.

In a nutshell, this is what I’m saying: We as a society need to do these things to have even a hope of creating a world full of compassion and understanding, full of respect and support, full of grace and mercy and love.

And I do hope we create that kind of world, because the current one’s not really helping those who many call "the mentally ill".

It's Not All Wedded Bliss

38 years of marriage is a great feat nowadays. Throw mental illness into your family dynamic and getting married at a young age and statistics say we were doomed from the start. We can’t take credit for our success in staying together. But we can give you a few pointers whether you have mental illness in your family or not. It’s all stuff you know and have heard before, but maybe has a slightly different twist on it or you haven’t thought about working on your marriage in a while.

Here goes it:

1.  When it’s tough always see and remember the best version of your spouse. Remember the good stuff instead of the bad.

2.  When it looks like your unappreciated and forgotten go the extra mile to do something (anything) for your spouse. Write them a love note, send them an “I love you” text, pick up some flowers, make or buy a favorite dessert, or give them a hug just because. Do this in good times and in bad and don’t expect them to reciprocate or even receive this gesture very well.

3.  Always pray with and for your spouse. (If your spouse doesn’t want to pray with you, you can still pray for them.)

4.  Stay in God’s word every day. Even if it’s one verse.

5.  Never gossip about your spouse. (This is especially hard for the ladies.) Better yet, brag about them.

6.  Seek professional help if you harbor anger, resentment, or have unresolved conflict. Encourage your spouse to do the same if they are open to it.

7.  Know their love language and apply it to your relationship with them. 

8.  Date your spouse.

9.  If you don’t have shared interests find them. It could be a hobby, volunteering, or even working on a house project together. 

10. Lastly, let Christ permeate every area of your life. That’s the best way to keep your marriage in the wedded bliss category.

Two Hearts

Was there yelling sometimes? Of Course

Did everything go according to each other’s plan? Not always

Were there many happy moments in our household? Absolutely

Could you tell they loved each other? Yep

This poem is for the two of you.

TWO HEARTS

Two hearts so full of love for their God, Jesus.

Two hearts so full of love for others.

Two hearts so full of love for each other.

Two hearts that pray for us.

Two hearts living out whatever God leads

them to do each and every day.

Two hearts that love each other even when it’s not easy.

Two hearts that inspire us to love more.

Two hearts that complement each other’s strengths.

Two hearts that readily forgive.

Two hearts so big it’s a wonder how those hearts 

fit into two people.

Two hearts I am so privileged to know and be known by.

Two hearts filled by God, reflecting His love to us all.

Two hearts of integrity, wisdom, and

strength of character.

Two hearts that often beat as one.

Two hearts that I am so honored to be able to call

Dad and Mom.

Happy 65^th Wedding Anniversary Mom and Dad!

Ignorance Is Not Bliss

Nobody likes it, but many of us do it. Since mental illness hit our family I have done it less and less. What is it? It is unwanted advice. I came to realize that most of the time I’m speaking out of ignorance and giving advice that is not wanted, needed, asked for, and is actually hurtful and harmful.

The damage of all of this unwanted advice is isolation, shaming, and marginalization of the person getting this so called good advice. For those hearing this advice the struggle to continue sharing your story vs. isolating yourself is real. When this judgmental advice is the norm, it makes it so hard to open up and risk hurtful words coming your way again and again.

Common phrases like:

“Just snap out of it” ~ as if that’s something you can easily do

“It’s all in your head” ~ That’s true, but not really what they mean.

“Have you tried…..” ~ Yes, it probably would help and you may have tried it or are currently doing it. That aside, it minimizes you and your diagnosis. Plus, you’ve heard this advice about a gazillion times already.

“If you just did this, you’d be fine.” ~ This one doesn’t even recognize that you have a mental illness.

“Do you have some unrepentant sin?” ~ Once again, not mentally ill. It’s all about your personal sin.

The same holds true if your loved one has a mental illness. The words are a little different but the affect is the same. Words like “Just make them”, It’s all in their head.”, “Have they tried…”, “Have you tried….” are just as common. There’s only so many times one can get beat up with these words.

Ignorance is often the catalyst of this unwanted advice. We all hear ignorance is bliss, but for those of us on the receiving end of these hurtful words of advice, ignorance is hell, isolation, and painful. Plus this ignorance promotes stigma.

So what are we to do? If you’re the person making these sorts of statements and giving this kind of advice, please STOP. Know that you are only making matters worse. Better yet, ask how you can support this person emotionally or in practically ways instead of telling them what to do or not do.

If you are the person receiving this advice, please don’t close yourself off because of these hurtful words. And even more important don’t let someone else’s ignorance be your reason to isolate.  It’s challenging to share your story while risking ridicule and judgment. Remember that sharing your story is one of the best ways to educate others about mental illness. 

Doing The Dance

We all want to help our child be as successful as possible and will help nudge them along as they grow up. What do you do when your child grows up physically, but their illness has caused them to not grow up emotionally? You want to help them without being a crutch. It's a constant balancing act where at any moment you could tip the scale in the wrong direction.

Between his diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, and Addictions there were numerous times that I thought our son had fallen for the last time and was ready to get up out of the pit.  

As a mom, I was torn between giving David what he needed for today and hoping that he would get to a point where he could consistently provide for himself. I wondered if his illness had taken over too much because there were many days when all I could see was the illness in the forefront and my son trying to break through that illness. I wanted to help, but sometimes I was only making it worse?  

I knew several people who had a mental health diagnosis that were living life in all its wonder and thriving in spite of their disorder. I admired them and looked to them for insight. However, just like cancer, there are stages and forms that are more or less severe. For various reasons David's diagnosis and stage of illness was one of those that the odds were stacked against him.

Friends would tell me to help him in ways that only added guilt to my already fragile emotional state. Often these ways would only enable him to go down the destructive path of his illness and take us along for the ride. They would say that Jesus would have helped, so I should too. After all who in their right mind has their son arrested, gets them committed to a mental health facility, and turns their child away when they see a real need. Well, I think many people would be surprised by the answer.

I'd like to share a story of one of the last times I had to say no to David. He was 28 and I was taking him to our weekly lunch date when he said to me, “Mom, It’s getting cold out and I can’t stay at my friends anymore. Do you want me to be homeless?” (translation:  Can I come back home?) How is a mom supposed to answer that one? He had put me on the spot and tugged at my heart all at the same time.  

What was I supposed to do? I couldn't trust him to be in our home. I needed to set boundaries without making it sound like I was rejecting him. We had been down this revolving door road several times before and it wasn't good for him or the family.   There’s no easy way to say to your child those types of things without them feeling hurt. I loved him so much and just wanted to save him from this illness that had taken most of him away from all those that loved and knew him. If only there was an easy answer. I paused, prayed silently to myself, and then responded with an “Of course not, but this is your choice.” As the words came out of my mouth I thought, “Where did that come from?” followed by “Thank You Lord.” This followed with a discussion of his viable options that I already knew he wasn't going to do. My heart sank and I clung to God for peace about this decision even when everything in me was screaming to let him come home knowing that would have been a disaster on so many levels.

He did indeed become homeless wandering the parks of a mid-sized city. He eventually hit a new bottom. Then he was committed to a mental health facility, followed by a half-way house.

There’s always a fine line between accommodating a real need and perpetuating the illness by enabling and being codependent. It’s a dance I don’t like and sometimes get wrong. That being said, I want to encourage you if you are doing that dance too, that you are not alone. There are many of us having to be seen as the bad guy or gal not only by our loved one, but most other people too.

That is when our faith can really be tested and fervent prayer for discernment is really needed. You will make the wrong choice occasionally. But mostly, you’ll make the right choice even with all of those around you telling you that it’s wrong. Keep doing what you know is right, but also never give up on them.

If you are not in this dance, please don’t give us ill-informed advice and be thankful you can sit this one out.

Accommodating is great. Enabling is terrible.

What's wrong with bumper bowling?

You know what bumper bowling is.  They put long, inflated tubes in the gutters on either side of the lane so it’s nearly impossible to miss the pins—at least with your first ball!

Die-hard bowlers say that using bumpers is cheating, that only babies should use them.

“Bumpers only encourage people to be reckless and irresponsible because there aren’t any consequences!  How will they learn to get better so that they stay OUT of the gutters?!”

I see it differently.

In my mind, bumper bowling can actually help everyone enjoy the game more.  How?

·        It can eliminate fear of embarrassment.  Some of us don’t know how to bowl well, and it can be scary doing something you’re not good at.  Bumpers can help calm the fear of trying something new.

·        It can build self-esteem.  Both the bowler and their friends can feel good that at least one pin was knocked down, especially when bowlers in neighboring lanes are easily getting lots of strikes and spares.

·        It can make the rest of the day pleasant.  With a better score thanks to bumpers, the bowler won’t be upset or feel guilty about wasting their bowling partner’s time or money getting all ‘zeroes’.

A lot of opinionated people with little mental health knowledge think like die-hard bowlers.

“Accommodating a loved one with mental illness encourages them to be dependent and to shirk their responsibility because life’s too easy!  How will they learn to become self-sufficient when you enable them?!”

I see it differently.

In my experience, accommodating a mentally ill person can sometimes help everyone.  How?

·        It can eliminate fear of embarrassment.  Some of us don’t know how to handle common aspects of life, and it can be scary doing something you’re not good at.  Accommodations can help calm the fear of trying something new.  Eliminating fear in one area can free up a person to stretch in another.  Since anxiety (fear) is heightened in mentally ill people, it makes sense to reduce it from time to time.

·        It can build self-esteem.  Both the mentally ill person and their family members can feel good that at least some progress was made, especially when other relatives, neighbors, and churchgoers are easily getting through life.  Those who have to work extra hard just to navigate through life should rightly feel good about any progress, be it slow, infrequent, or minimal compared to others.

·        It can make the rest of the day pleasant.  With at least some success thanks to the accommodation, the mentally ill person won’t be upset or feel guilty about wasting their family member’s time or money making little or no progress.  Daily frustration and guilt driven by lack of progress can be eliminated through careful use of accommodations.

Referring to her mentally ill daughter, someone once told a friend of mine: “You’re enabling her!”

My friend replied: “You bet I am!”

What a great response!  My friend chose to accommodate in that situation for all the above reasons, and it helped her and her daughter.  True, constant accommodation often causes problems.  But when it’s used wisely, accommodation can help a lot of people in a lot of ways.

You might not get to choose your lane, but ignore the opinions of people who have no clue what your lane’s like.

When Mother's Day is Hard

What does every mother want for mother’s day?

I don’t know about you, but I want to hear from my kids and if at all possible, see them.  Second, I want to recognize my mom and tell her how much she is loved.  

For some though, Mother’s Day is sometimes hard. They still love their kids to pieces, but the brokenness of mental illness in even one of their kids lives can make for a difficult day.

He’s off his meds and homeless and the text never comes.

She’s living who knows where with who knows who and that call doesn’t happen.

He’s never going to visit because he can’t bear to see one of his siblings that he’s wronged.

Whatever the reason you feel forgotten by someone you have so much love for. What will these moms be doing this Mother’s Day? They may put on their happy face and even be happy for the most part. They’ll still appreciate their mom and tell her so in their own special way.

But they’ll also have a sad spot in their heart for that son or daughter. They’ll know that he or she loves them even though that call won’t come or that visit won’t happen. There’ll be moments where tears will flow. They’ll feel helpless to help them. They may have a hard time not dwelling on all that the mental illness has taken from their child. They’ll long to hug their child and tell them how much they love them and how much God loves them.

Things may be getting worse and they’ll wonder if this is the last Mother’s Day that their child will be living. The longing to make it all better will be a big part of their day even when the visit doesn’t happen or the text never comes. Even though they are happy for other moms they’ll stay off social media because it’s just too painful to see and read about those moms.If you are one of these moms, along with a big hug, this note from your son or daughter is for you.

Dear Mom, 

I just want to say Thank You.

Thank you for never giving up on me even when you don’t hear from me.

Thank you for wanting to take all of my burdens away.

Thank you for still loving me when my illness is manifesting some pretty ugly stuff.

Thank you for advocating for me when I don’t even know I need advocating for.

Thank you for praying for me.

Thank you for being there for me when I’m ready to get help.

Thank you for encouraging me even when I feel I don't deserve encouraging.

Thank you for seeking wisdom from God as to how best to help me.

Thank for educating yourself about mental illness and learning all you can about my disorder.

Most of all, thank you for being my Mom and showing me a glimpse of God’s great love for me by showing me yours.

Love, Your Son or Daughter