Loving My Spouse

Marriages can be great and very rewarding, but they can also be hard.  Too hard sometimes.  Throw mental illness into the mix, and it can seem like it’s not worth the effort.

To be honest, there are periods when I don’t want to work on our relationship.  I want him to do all the work and meet my needs and understand that I just can’t meet his right now because I have so much on my plate!  He needs to appreciate that I’m at least giving him my leftover time!  So many others need me, and I’m being torn in so many directions with so many emotions!

During one season, I tried to be super volunteer, super friend, and super mom—all of which made me a not-so-super wife.  Volunteering is good, but I was overdoing it.  My friendships were important, too, but they took precedence over my husband.  As for being “super mom”, I was certain that I was the only one that could ___________________ for my children.  Sure, I probably could help them better than others could, but others could also help them if only I’d let them.  Finally, I needed to make better choices about “self-care”.  Yes, some things—many things—had to give.

In the end, I needed to make my husband a priority.  It wasn’t hard to do, but it took focus…

Taking short but meaningful walks in the neighborhood.  Sending him encouraging texts for no reason or slipping notes into his lunch.  Going for an ice-cream cone at McDonald’s (think “cheap date”) and sitting and talking about our dreams or hopes.  Intentionally asking how we can pray for each other.  Choosing to not talk about our kids.  Knowing his love language and loving him in that way.

Intentional.  Proactive.  Focused.

Got Depression?

Does this sound familiar?...

You’re talking with one of your church friends, and you tell them that you deal with chronic depression. Instantly, you sense that they view you as ‘less of a Christian’ or think that you must have some unrepentant sin in your life. This happens more often than we Christians want to admit. Because of this, many who struggle with depression begin to doubt the truth of their diagnosis, almost trivializing it. They minimize it because that’s what they hear from people they know, trust, and love.

I know a number of people who live with chronic depression. I was recently talking with a friend, and she started apologizing that she was diagnosed with JUST depression instead of bipolar, as if to say depression wasn’t as legitimate or difficult to live with.

It’s true that depression is different from many other mental health conditions, but let’s stop comparing it in terms of what it takes to live with it on a day-to-day basis. Ask anyone who has chronic depression, and you’ll learn that it’s anything but easy. On top of that, it’s a diagnosis that many people don’t think is legitimate. They think that all a person needs to do is to eat differently, pray more, get closer to God, or exercise more, and “presto!” the depression’s gone. Now, I’m not saying that those things don’t help, but chronic depression does have a biological component to it. Barring a miracle, none of those things will “cure” depression.

Chronic depression is defined as depression that lasts more than six months. I got a taste of that when David passed away. The experience helped me to understand what it's like to live with depression on a daily basis. I'm so thankful that I didn't have to live with it the rest of my life! If I did, I know that I would've needed regular treatment of therapy or medication or both. Today, whenever I hear a friend say they "just" have depression, I instinctively, lovingly correct them.

If you live with chronic depression, I encourage you to stop apologizing for it. What you have is as real and as difficult as any other malady. When you trivialize it, you only hurt yourself.

And if someone you love lives with chronic depression, please keep in mind that theirs is a difficult walk. Listen to them. Feel for them. Love on them.

Reaffirming Love

“I am not overstating it when I say that the man who caused all the trouble hurt all of you…..  Now, however, it is time to forgive and comfort him. Otherwise he may be overcome by discouragement. So I urge you now to reaffirm your love for him.”  2Cor. 2:5-8  NLT

I would have never thought that when I first held David in my arms that I’d be part of a family that personally is touched by one of their own being an undesirable in society. He was a “normal” child. At least we thought he was. Looking back, there were signs of things to come. Things started changing in his mid- teens. At first we thought he was just hanging out with the wrong kids and/or making bad choices.  There was some of that, but this went a whole lot deeper. As time progressed, and his untreated Borderline Personality Disorder got worse, there was more and more trouble which caused more and more hurt. Many people ran the other way when his disorder manifested itself at their expense. 

If anyone knows even the smallest bit about someone with this disorder, there’s a lot of insecurity attached with it. How does one decide when to let them fall, when to pick them up, who to tell, how to protect the rest of the family, and so on. It’s a constant pray for discernment.

I remember one such time when David was down and discouraged. He was in his 20’s and living somewhere in Waukesha with a new friend after a short time of homelessness. He had little money and hardly any food. I picked him up, took him to the food pantry, got him some groceries, took him to lunch, and just hung out with him for a little bit. I felt like it was a pretty good day for both of us. He seemed to be making some better choices.

A few days later I saw him again and he was already out of food. He had sold some of the food to buy alcohol. I knew how I reacted to this news was critical. I was disappointed and hurt and realized that even if I didn’t give him money, he’d find a way to get what he wanted. Why this surprised me, I have no idea, since David was resourceful to say the least. Anyway, back to the story.

Instead of reacting negatively, I simply ignored the situation as if it didn’t happen. I could tell David was not in a place to receive anything and he was quite discouraged. Besides that, what would it have accomplished for me to come down on him? He already knew how I felt and was feeling the guilt without me having to say anything. We had some conversation, I did go with him for a few more groceries, and I tried to encourage him. One thing I always told him is that we all mess up, but that doesn’t mean to give up. 

If you notice the verse says “REAFFIRM your love”. That tells me that the person that caused the trouble is someone that you know and love already. When mental illness touched our family it displayed some pretty ugly stuff. How I reacted was very important to helping or hurting David and I had to make hard choices with him often.

I could choose to give up or not.

I had choices of how I was going to react to the situation.

I could choose whether to discourage or encourage him.

Every day was a choice whether to seek God in every moment.

I had a choice whether to forgive him or hold it against him.

Every day is filled with choices. What do I choose? What do you choose?

Perspectives

One of the greatest gifts that David’s diagnosis has given me is perspective. I never would have guessed when David was born that I would learn so much about others, myself, and God from him and his struggles with mental illness. 

Perspective: I gained new insight into the homeless and their families. I could understand not only the pain of not finding your homeless loved one, but also the pain of not allowing them back into your home once you’ve found them.

Perspective: I learned so much about those in jail and prison. I could relate to those that believed that jail was the best place for their loved one and the emotional and financial cost to the families of those that have someone in jail.

Perspective: I understood the word “stigma” especially from many within the Church. The shunning and isolation was often painful and gave me deep sensitivity towards others that may be going through similar struggles. It also made me realize how I perpetuated stigma before I understood what mental illness was.

Perspective: I discovered more how God feels when we mess up and we refuse to listen to his wise counsel. It is so very difficult to watch and know that you’re powerless to help your loved one when they refuse help or don’t want to be helped. It’s gut-wrenching. How much more must it be for the God that created us and only wants good for us.

Many scripture verses that used to puzzle me or were difficult to relate to became some of my favorite verses because of new perspectives on suffering, sorrow, and grieving.

As David was going down this often dangerous path of destruction it was easy for me to see the poor choices he was making because of his illness and the toll it was taking on his very life. As I’d reflect on his choices God would ever so gently remind me of my poor choices and the planks (Matthew 7:3-5) in my eyes.

I gained perspective in so many areas of my life and because of that, David’s journey with mental illness was the biggest catalyst in helping me grow in my love for God and others. It would have been easy for me to let these new perspectives make me bitter, angry, or even reject God in my life and sometimes I didn’t choose very well. But, I always had a choice and you do too. Choose God and let him teach and grow you. You won’t be disappointed!

Does God Really Care About Me?

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!  And when I wake up, you are still with me.  Psalm 139: 17,18 (NLT)

When mental illness hits you or your family you may wonder if God is really there. Does he care? Well, my prayer is that this story will encourage you that he is there and really does care.

Several years back when David was fleeing the country and hoping all of his problems and mental health concerns would be left behind God showed me in a very tangible way that he knew exactly where David was. David had planned on never returning and I only knew generally where he was. He showed me David’s picture online as if to say, “Here he is, I am with him, and I’ve got this covered. Keep praying, but no need to worry, he will come back.”

I knew immediately that only God could orchestrate something like this against all odds. What were the odds out of the entire planet of 7 plus billion people that Google^TM Maps would be shooting street view pictures in the exact city at the exact time when David was arriving at his destination complete with his garbage bags of belongings and all?  You can imagine how special I must have felt. This was a very tangible picture of the verse above not only for me, but a snapshot showing me that God was with him too. 

Why does it surprise me that a God that came and died for me, parted the Red Sea, fed the Israelites Angel’s food, fed thousands, and so much more wouldn’t do this thing for me or my son?  It shouldn’t take something like this for me to know I am loved by my God dearly. It showed me that even when everything surrounding David’s circumstances and choices was as the world saw it, falling apart, God was still there.  I knew right at that moment what that verse and several others really meant. 

Now it is years later and I sometimes find myself going back to that moment to remind me of just how much God cares for me.  Even if you haven’t had one of those once-in-a-lifetime-against-all-odds things happen to show you that God is with you, it doesn’t mean that He isn’t. Sometimes it’s hard to see His plan for our lives amidst so much that seems to be going wrong. Even when we can’t see him, He’s There And He Cares!

Finishing The Journey Takes...

Walking a marriage path together takes two willing hearts, but trekking to the end takes one more companion.

At the five-year mark, our adventures seemed endless, and the sun shined bright on our small family.  At the fifteen-year mark, our calendars were crazy full, and heartache frequently knocked on our large family’s door.  At the twenty-five-year mark, each day brought more questions than answers, and the unthinkable seemed both certain and imminent.

Now past the thirty-five-year mark, we’re still together.  By all accounts, we shouldn’t be, but we are.  And we will be ‘til the end.  A part of our Twenty-fifth Anniversary Renewal Vows tells why…

    “Twenty-five years ago, I committed myself to you in Holy Matrimony before God and his witnesses.  On that day, I promised to love you and to honor you.  I promised to stay with you in good times and in bad.  I promised to be yours until death separated us.

    “Now twenty-five years later, even though I still have no idea what the future will bring, I stand here because God is good, because ‘we’ is more important than ‘me’, and because a promise is a promise.”

“A promise is a promise.”  That sounds cliché, but it’s been the glue that’s held us together despite all the things that burden most couples, plus a few that wear only on couples with special needs kids.

Most people know that the stresses, distractions, and failures facing a ‘special needs’ couple are greater than those facing the average couple—that’s why the divorce rate among them is higher than the national average.  And that’s why it takes a commitment to something greater than our desires, our strength, and even our faith to make it to the end.

For me and Ann, long stretches of detachment plagued us.  Years of grinding through chaos and confusion and conflict created calloused hearts that didn’t beat anymore.  Cold, disconnected tones and words and stares and touches piled high.  We know what the brink of divorce feels like.  But while we never said, “It’s over!”, our hearts and minds have been there as surely as any other couple who’s reached the end of their road.

Thankfully, we haven’t been alone on our journey.  On our path, that promise has been our constant companion.  It’s carried us so many times beyond our selfish selves to a place where we could see each other from God’s vantage point.  It’s even given us glimpses of our family far down the road, showing that while choosing ‘me’ over ‘we’ might eliminate today’s problems, future generations might experience heartache as a side effect.

Just as important, the promise continues to remind us as Christians that our marriage reflects Jesus’ commitment to his bride, the Church—“I will never leave you!”  And since we’re his representatives to a world that often needs to ‘see’ before it ‘believes’, the promise kept speaks volumes far beyond the walls of our home.  It says: “There’s more than just ‘me’ and more than just ‘now’—and there IS a kind of love that transcends both.  Come see!”

The Bible says: “A cord of three strands is not easily broken.”  Whether that third strand is Jesus or just the promise, it’s difficult to make it to the finish line without it, especially when the road is full of disappointments and distractions, temptations and turmoil.

No one ever planned for divorce at the altar—they began their journey with ‘finishing’ in mind.  So, learn what it takes to finish.  Make the promise your companion, and lean on it.

Daily.

Hourly if necessary.

Christmastime

Christmastime:  Jingle Bells, Caroling, Mistletoe, and Ho Ho Ho’s. Shopping for that perfect gift, baking cookies, elves, and decorations everywhere.

Christmastime:  Family gatherings, Christmas trees, garland, and St Nick. Lights, glitter, tinsel, and wreaths.

Christmastime:  Candy Canes, Reindeer, Secret Santa, and Ornaments.  Joy to the World.  Hark the Herald Angels Sing.  O Little Town of Bethlehem.  Unto Us a Child is Born. 

Christmastime:  We all have visions of what Christmas is supposed to be.  We have traditions, memories, plans, and generally much merriment and celebration is to be had by all. 

Christmastime:  The promise of a Savior foretold long ago.  The long-anticipated birth of our king, Lord, and Savior has finally arrived.  He wasn’t just any baby.  The Creator creates Himself in a new form. He comes as that which He created.  Not coming like a human, but as a human. Jesus…the God/man.  Growing in the womb and experiencing all those human things common to man except sin.  He leaves heaven just for us. 

He didn’t have to come.  He could have chosen an easier way.  But, He didn’t.  He chose to come out of his deep and great love for each one of us.  He didn’t come as a grown-up or even a child, but as a helpless baby.  The creator becomes the created, which in itself is unbelievable, but He did it anyway.  He came just as Scripture foretold.

Christmastime:  Our King of Kings and Lord of Lords comes in a way we least expect.  He is born in a stable at the backside of an inn.  His bed is a trough.  He’s amongst the animals.  There’s no room for him anywhere else.  Insignificance seems to mark his birth.  What royal lineage would enter the world this way?  There is no royal fanfare announcing His birth.  No trumpets sounding from the palace or messengers sending word throughout the land that the royal son has arrived.  But wait, what man doesn’t announce, God does.  With a star and a multitude of angels, He is announced to the shepherds and wise men of old.   The Savior from everlasting past comes to fulfill a promise.  He has arrived just as He said He would, born in the city foretold, born to a virgin.  Our Emmanuel, God with us, has arrived.  The hope that we all long for is born some 2000 years ago. 

He grows up in our world and comes to fulfill more of His promises.  He experiences life as a human being and so understands our struggles.  The creator comes to serve us.  The creator comes to give us a hope and a future, and even comes to die for each of us …in our place… taking on all our sin so that we can be in fellowship with Him forever.  And so, God shows us His great love for us, first as a baby, then on the cross, and forever with us.